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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23119096">as for doubts that i've been feeling</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiarrahatesboys/pseuds/kiarrahatesboys'>kiarrahatesboys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Falsettos - Lapine/Finn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Assertion, Coffee, Early Mornings, Fights, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Canon, fluffy kiarra is dead</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:48:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,008</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23119096</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiarrahatesboys/pseuds/kiarrahatesboys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p> </p>
  <p>    <span class="small">'whizzer rolled over to face marvin. his face was slack against the pillow, his wavy hair littering his forehead. the blanket curved against his body and the morning light acted as if it were a spotlight. marvin was almost pretty. peaceful, dare he say. it was scary.'</span><br/><br/></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>⤷ whizzer is nearing the end of his rope. </p>
  </blockquote>
</blockquote>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Whizzer Brown/Marvin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>as for doubts that i've been feeling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>as the tags say: fluffy kiarra is MIA. enjoy the angst.</p><p>i'm basing whizzer's emotions and comments on my own experience with domestic abuse during my childhood. this is based on arguments i've heard between my mom and her ex (thank god) as well as discussions she and i have had.</p><p>if your relationships, platonic or romantic, have ever felt like what you're about to read, find a way out. you don't deserve it and you're way better off without them. i swear.</p><p>and with that, lets go be angry! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Whizzer still wasn’t used to waking up next to someone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yes, it was a nice feeling, but jarring. Especially waking up next to the same person every morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin could usually be described as ‘fine.’ Sometimes he would brush the knots out of  Whizzer’s hair with his fingers, or kiss him on the cheek. He got a shoulder massage every once in a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But all of that didn’t cancel out the yelling and shoves and threats of violence. Kisses didn’t cancel out angry red faces.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer rolled over to face Marvin. His face was slack against the pillow, his wavy hair littering his forehead. The blanket curved against his body and the morning light acted as if it were a spotlight. Marvin was almost pretty. Peaceful, dare he say. It was scary.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin muttered in his sleep, turning onto his back. Whizzer sighed and glanced at the alarm clock. The green light told him it was seven-thirty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Careful not to wake Marvin, Whizzer slipped out of the blankets and trailed into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was cold outside this morning. Frost tinted the window and compacted the view. He pulled the curtains over the glass.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he filled the coffee filter, he wondered if today was the day things fell apart. Maybe he would say the wrong word in an argument, or he’d forget to do the dishes. Maybe Marvin would play victim, or smash another dirty plate. Maybe he’d pull that godforsaken suitcase out again, and mean it this time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Or maybe Whizzer would just fall silent and walk right out the apartment door without so much as a backwards glance. Maybe he would take the power for a change.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to look at Marvin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” Marvin greeted, his voice husky from sleep and his face expressing minimal emotion. “Making coffee?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer tried for a smile. “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin nodded gently, then sat down at the dining table. Whizzer wondered what it was like to transition from mornings with your wife and son to mornings with your boyfriend - if they were even that. Trina’s submission versus Whizzer’s determined use of free will. It was probably hell to live with someone who was so defiant in comparison... But Whizzer didn’t have that much sympathy for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You okay, Whiz?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He switched on the coffee-maker and shrugged. “Yeah, I’m fine. Tired, maybe.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin spread his hands. “Come sit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer complied. “Nice pants.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He glanced down at the brown plaid. “Ah, these are the ones you hate, aren’t they?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer chuckled and leaned back in his chair. “Yep. As long as you don’t leave the house in those, we’re good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I mean, they’re pajamas, so I probably wouldn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The coffee pot dripped and cars honked. The first few pink rays of sunrise began their ascent.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer cleared his throat. “What are you doing at work today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin shrugged. “Paperwork on top of paperwork. I have a meeting at one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Note to self: do not call Marvin at one-o-clock.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed a little. “Smart note.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer leaned his chin in his hand and watched Marvin for a moment. The angle of his nose, the shadow of his facial hair. His disorderly brown hair. Straight-guy Central.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why in the world was a guy like Whizzer dating a guy like Marvin? And why hadn’t he asked himself that question sooner?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Who lives this?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin arched an eyebrow and Whizzer looked away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You sure you’re okay?” Marvin asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Marv. I was just thinking.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer sighed. “I have the right to think and to keep those thoughts private.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jesus. The sun hasn’t even risen, Whizzer. Don’t start a fight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gritted his teeth. “I’m just stating fact. If anything, you’re the one raising the tension.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hold on-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no. Nevermind. The coffee’s done.” Whizzer shoved his chair out from under him and hightailed it to the counter. “Which mug do you want?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin grumbled like an old man. “Black one, I guess.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” Whizzer pulled an orange one out for himself, and poured the coffee. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whizzer, I-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin scoffed. “Can you stop fucking interrupting?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, it almost sounded like you were about to apologize. I was giving you a chance to make sure you wanted that.” Whizzer brought the mugs to the table. “You don’t get every single thing you ask for, Marvin. I bring you coffee and I make you dinner but I don’t guarantee that I accept your apologies.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin put his head in his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer continued. “See, I’m the one who gets the pet name of ‘princess,’ but you’re the one who acts like one. I understand you had maids as a kid and a wife as an adult, but I’m neither of those. I’m your </span>
  <em>
    <span>boyfriend</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Marvin. It’s 1979, and you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>gay. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Whether you like it or not. And lots of people don’t like that. But me being your partner does not mean me being your slave. You cannot force me to be your housewife. I make a big effort to have a life outside of you. And you make it real fuckin’ hard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>make it hard? You’re the one who starts all these fights!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay, but who’s the one who provides the substance for a fight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marvin fumbled for an answer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Marvin.” Whizzer pointed at him. “You’re the one who forces me to be at your beck and call. You’re the one who berates me for missing two dirty dishes out of fifteen. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>are the one providing the kindling for the fire. I hope you think about that on your way to work. Have fun.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer pushed his chair in and walked back into their bedroom. He ignored his steaming coffee,  and ignored Marvin’s shocked face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He listened as Marvin finished his coffee and rinsed his mug. He listened as Marvin clipped his briefcase closed. And he listened as Marvin shut the apartment door without a goodbye, let alone a goodbye kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whizzer didn’t want to kiss him anyway. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>someone please comment so i know i'm not posting for a ghost town. pls. omg.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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